Get Away

Money can make you lonely.

That's the flip side of wanting to have it insulate you and let you get away. It gives you an excuse never to go outside again: you can have food delivered.

I'm not thinking that maturely about money these days. I started this entry planning to write about how I would use millions to leave everyone behind - jet off to the West Coast or somewhere overseas. I could invite my artist friend or another guy I know who lived on the West Coast to show me around. I could pay for his ticket and he could be my guide to a good time.

Although: do I know how to have a good time? This is where the "money can make you lonely" thing comes in. If you're not good at going out and joining things, money gives you the option of abstaining. I had a little money once; I laid on the couch for months at a time. I essentially drove my life into a ditch because I didn't want to do anything and I was ashamed of myself and afraid of people. Not having obligations or responsibilities let me hide out on the couch and watch re-runs of re-runs of re-runs like heroin running through my veins.

If I came into 15 million dollars, I would probably go back into hibernation mode. Buy myself a big TV and use my Netflix subscription to watch movies and TV shows all day.

Of course, I would get restless; it happened over the time I was idle before. Around 3 or 5 pm I'd start to want to go outside and do something. Unfortunately, I didn't have many friends and no one who was up for random events, so I couldn't just call someone up and do something.

Or join something, actually. I'm a follower more than a leader.

Still; to have the money...to be able to pay my bills easily and over and beyond that...

Not to say that problems wouldn't come with it. Being the one with the money is never fun; everyone thinks it's easy because they only see their own ask and not everyone else's ask. The good thing for me is that most of the people in my life don't need a huge influx of money and wouldn't ask me for it. The poorest people I know would probably be happy with $1,000 a month. They'd take it for granted soon after, I'm sure, but it would sate them for a good bit. I could even demand services for that payment.

Ah, lottery dreams. How many people lose hours of their lives thinking about the lottery? I read once that imagining winning the lottery releases a small amount of oxytocin in the brain, so it's a reward like a drug or chocolate. I think that's why I use it. I found in the past eight years or so that I would sometimes just say large dollar amounts out loud when I was stressed. Thinking about huge piles of money gave me some small measure of comfort. Of course, it would have been more useful to brush my teeth or exercise or think about some constructive action I could take in that moment but oh, well.