A Man Walks Into His Brother's House...

I have with me a paper shopping bag. In the paper shopping bag I have three bundles of bills.

It's Thanksgiving, so Brother 3 and Brother 2 are here at Brother 1's house. That's why I have the three bundles, each of which are worth $10,000. I give one to each brother and tell them that - after Thanksgiving - I'll probably be leaving town for a while. I'll still be paying rent on my place in town, but I'll be traveling around the South and possibly going to South America.

I might put ads on Craigslist to see if anyone's interest in going south. I'll look for classes I can take in major metropolitan areas and volunteer jobs I can get to keep me occupied.

I was thinking I'd go to Dallas, where my uncle and aunt live. I can use them as a bit of a support structure while I'm visiting. (Of course, if I keep to my current habits, I'll just sit in whatever place I rent to live in and watch TV non stop.)

One of my other plans would be to rent a house not far from my current one and get a giant TV for that place and a big, comfy couch so when I stay in non-stop, I'm not bothering anyone.

I'd like to fly out to the West Coast and try to work on making some commercials. Public interest commercials, media criticism commercials, call to action commercials - all kinds of commercials to stir up and challenge the public on all kinds of issues.

For instance, just today on Fox's "The Five," they brought up the issue of states that take more from the government than they put in. One of the commentators brought up California - only the reddest Southern states are the main offenders in terms of taking more money from the federal government than they pay in with takes. I'd love to be able to put multiple charts up on the screen to show that it's not just one source that says so and maybe even statistics from the states themselves.

Of course, I'd rather make commercials that encourage people to do good things rather than stir up anger, but some times I get annoyed by partisan politics just like everyone else. (I'd like to run the commercials on Fox itself, which I figure they wouldn't mind, seeing as how it's money in their pockets. Best case scenario, I could get writers or ex-writers from The Daily Show and Colbert to pen the commercials so that they're "undercover" and catch viewers by surprise.)

Of course, I'd like to give major donations to local charities I like, but I'd also like to go to sporting events all around the country, like NFL games in Florida, or Texas, or California, or soccer games in California and Texas (although the MLS is going through its playoffs, so I guess that season is ending).

One of my favorite extravagance daydreams is to follow the ATP tour. I've seen an ad on the boards when watching games for some kind of tour company - it's some guy's name - and I think if I had the funds, I'd check it out. The tennis tour generally follows the weather and plays in some great locations. Although, again, I think the tour is going on vacation right now, and might not be starting up again until January, I'm not sure. Whenever the Australian Open is.

One other thing I'd definitely need to do is buy myself health insurance. It would probably behoove me to get lots of work done on my teeth, as well. That could cost upwards of fifty or eighty thousand dollars. At least that's my impression, based on an estimate I once got.

So let's start over:
+ Cash to my brothers
+ Rent a house, buy a TV and couch
+ Get health insurance and dental work done
+ Travel to the south of the US, maybe taking a class, volunteering and attending professional sports events. (It could also be fun to go to college sporting events.)
+ Travel to South America
+ Follow the ATP tour around the world

I'd also like to buy myself a car, maybe something small and simple like a Scion xb or a Nissan Cube. Or a Beetle.

Payoffs

For one million dollars, I would get $500,000, which would pay $50,000 a year for ten years. Or $30,000 a year for 16 years. Probably a better bet.

For 2 million dollars, I could get $1 million in a lump sum, meaning $50,000 for 20 years, or $25,000 for 40 years.

Maybe I could ramp it up and down; giving myself $30,000 the first year and $25,000 the second year so as to pay off some bills up front and then save that money again.

For instance:
Pay Brother 1 $2,000
Pay Brother 3 $800
Pay Friend 1 $800
Pay Aunt $800
Pay taxes = $3,000

I would start with the tax bill. I pay ~ $3,000 and now I have $27,000 left. (Maybe I add rent to that and go down to $26,000.) After that I pay myself $2,000 a month. In December I pay back my aunt. In January I pay back my friend. In February I make partial payments to both brothers. In March I make partial payments to both brothers, paying off brother 3 and clearing half of Brother 1's bill. In April I pay Brother 1 again, splitting that bill with brother 2, who I forgot I owe $1,000. In May I pay off Brothers 1 & 2.

Of course, there are other bills outside of these I need to be paying on at all times. God, money is a bitch.

I was thinking that if I could win a scratch off for 5 or 6 thousand that I could pay off my aunt and my friend and live on the rest for four months. Of course, I would be trying to get jobs in that four months, but I wouldn't be as worried about all of my debt during that time.

Ugh. This is unhelpful, thinking about free money. I should go back to working on getting real money from real jobs.