I did the math: four million (cash, so eight million total, with 50% skimmed off the top by the state) would work out to about $11,000 a month. What could I do with $11,000 a month?
Well, I could work on getting my teeth fixed, which is my current obsession. I don't even feel like I can spend the two to four thousand it's going to take to fix the teeth I still have, much less put in some new ones. (Even while writing it I thought: "You have two to four thousand dollars available to you?? That
puts you ahead of millions of people already!")
It's true. I have four thousand dollars - more, actually - available to me if I want to use it. I probably shouldn't because it's the crumbs of an inheritance I've already squandered most of. Accessing some of it would require selling stocks that are a part of my inheritance, from my mother who died over 20 years ago now.
And it's spending money that could be saved, that could earn interest, that could grow. I already have a problem saving money and spending it wisely, so it seems even worse to spend this money that was handed down to me, a boost I could use to secure my future.
On the other hand, this is "securing" my future, salvaging my teeth so that I can eat and enjoy a bit more of my future - right? Isn't this a wise and practical use of my money? Isn't it foolish to allow my teeth - my health, my quality of life - to deteriorate?
But I can't get over feeling guilt for using the money, which is why I keep dreaming of the lottery, dreaming of more than enough money, dreaming of concierge care and someone making my appointments for me and the ability to take weeks off from work just to have my mouth ripped apart and put back together again. And so I recite the number to myself like a mantra: four million, four million, four million.
